It’s been so long since the last time I post an entry to the
blog. I feel screwed up lately. Too many things in da head or maybe it just
empty. I don’t even feel like I wanna write something nice. This is the junk
list of my mind, need to let it go so I can feel better and relax.

• I don’t like the idea about getting cold, my
  nose is such sensitive and wet. Cannot going anywhere, just sleep-eat-take a medicine-sleep-eat-take a
  medicine that’s goin over and over, That’s suck ! I prefer to have a fresh and
  powerfull body so I can do many things.
•  I had a phoned this morning from an old friend,
  he comes with the idea that I’m now an artist! It always happen, the conversation with an old friend comes
  along with idea about being artist which is rellative to my missing all this
  time. Hate it. Kampus extravaganza is an accident. I’m fully ignorant about the
  idea. There’s no rellative. I don’t meet anyone for a long time for some other
  reason, a good ones.
•  I’m nervous about the idea that grace will spend
  a few days in jogja, I’m afraid I cannot welcoming her as well. I’m not so sure
  my place will good enough for her. I’m also worry about arrange things for her
  so she can have a good time here.
• I don’t reply to the publisher. I don’t write
  any lately. I hate my self for this. I blame people who always came to my house
  and interrupting me, but in fact its all my fault. I need to be more clear in
  giving sign to others. Cannot hope they understand me, I’ll just have to say it
  loud : “get the fuck up of my room, I need space!”
• I dunno where to go then. On the 9^th
  of august I’ll check out of the boarding house. i’ve not decide yet where to
  go, will I just stay here in jogja, move to another house or I’ll be back to Kediri and continued the
  study? I dunno. A bit frustrating waiting the final answer from PUSTRAL,
  whether they reject or accept me as the employee. That’s the key. I’ll stay in
  jogja if I got the job.
• I don’t like the idea about a managing director
  of samsara, I keep thingking about the responsibility. Could I responsible for
  it? I’m afraid that I cannot act as well as the others. I think grace or kiki
  are better in action and performance. I’m a bit too wild as free as I was
  before, and I’am afraid the idea of wild, free and smoke comes along with the
  responsibility of the managing director. That position sounds so hard cause its
  like related to what you see as a role model. I’m not a good role model. Fiuh…i
  feel a bit low!
• I think I’m now in a transition mode where
  things from the past crashing with the mind of now, it’s like bonding me to run
  next day for the future. When I feel I’m
  ready to move on with all the plans, then everything left behind comes and
  pushing me to turn over. Will i? that’s the question!
• I really had a fight with my body machine, my
  hormones goes as well as the sexual and reproductive function,  it stick on my mind that I cannot touch my
  self properly. The ideas about Good and Bad, Wrong and True, are disturbing me
  all the time. I can put some other guy in my vagina to relaxing my passion, but
  I cannot. It’s wrong. But also being good is not as easy as I tought, I fight
  all the time with my brain and my hormones, and it feels so bad. However,
  making love is always not the same with making sex or just make it all out !
  Fuck, my brain is shit! I really don’t know, am I good to my self if
  just put my self to be a good person while my body machine begging for some
  pretty sex. Or I’m just too naïve to have an affair in aim to pretty sex?i
  dunno!

Well. I
think I just need one thing….a meditation! Yeah, meditation !